Summer, (even though still a ways off), is coming up fast....for my mom in-law. She is planning on taking a cruise with some of her friends/family this summer, and with the new year having started, she's gone in to 'full speed ahead' with the planning.
Now PLEASE don't get me wrong. I love this woman as if she were my own mother. We have a really good relationship and I appreciate the sacrifices she's made for us.
We've all been alot though, and as a result have had to miss out on things. It is on this thought that the devil has perched and sings into my ear.
I dove right into school almost immediately after the seperation. I believe in the whole of things, keeping busy was better, but it made for some neglection of the kids (fun stuff) which after such a big 'change' was hard. I shouldn't have, but I promised the kids that once I graduated, we would go on vacation to California. It would be a reward for all of us for being so patient and working hard. Well, of course my unexpected dismissal totally screwed that plan up (for now).
Money once again is tight, so when MIL said she is still planning on going, I can't help but feel upset and jealous, I admit it. She is constantly on me about saving money and being more frugile. The kids don't need such a big Christmas, down size the birthday parties, no to bigger purchases...
I didn't mind, I agreed with her. It's good to have that 'voice' in your ear when temptation strikes. I'm still sort of waiting for that same voice though to go off in her ear.
Why is it we (the kids and I) have to wait until things get better? I will continue to try of course, but what it takes alot of time to start over. I want to enjoy time with my kids, not just work for their enjoyment.
When I revisit the past and all she has done for us, I feel ashamed at myself for thinking like this. She has stepped up where her son did not; she moved away from friends and conveniences, worked a horrible job with a horrible shift (4 am - 12 noon), taken care of her 3 (now 4) grandkids, and all with not so great health. She grew up poor, had her husband leave her, started over only to end up in our mess...She has lived her life without living. If she wants to go travel, then she should.
I'm sure I'll be upset many more times before (and after), but as long as I have this 'soap box', I'll have something to cover that pesky devil on my shoulder.
Bon Voyage Barb; you've earned it.
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